venice 70 – fastgoose reviews the 2013 festival movies – part 3 (the end)


Hello, this is the third and last part of fastgoose reviewing the movies of the Venice film festival. You can find the first part here and the second part here.


Quite boring and useless crime and punishment story about some kids blowing up a dam to save nature or something then feeling sorry about it. Fuck these environmental kids I hate them. Everything goes exactly how you expect it to go. There are really neat shots and color schemes but that’s about it. It’s all very cold and has not much to say. Terrorism is bad, don’t do it kids. yawn.


The winner of the golden lion prize (a prize nobody cares about since the introduction of the golden goose) is a nice documentary about some folkloric people living in the suburbs of rome. Novelty effect, characters, old people are simple but cute etc. Bonus point: there is a guy with the beard who is absolutely brilliant. Now I seriously want a spin-off  based on him. It won the lion prize because it’s an italian movie. Italian movies must win from time to time, with all the taxpayer money spent to organize this circus every year.


This movie is oddly fascinating while at the same time being unbearable. I don’t remember anything of the plot, probably there isn’t even one. What there are for sure are long still images of people staring at things for a long time. The images are mesmerizing at times, at other times makes you want to change movie. Overall I have mixed feelings. Surely the work of a talented director and great cinematography but also resenting visual torture and being way too obsessed with filming people peeing. Seriously what was all that peeing? Gross.

——————FUORI CONCORSO———————–


A space movie where this bitch is lost in space and has to come back. The most predictable and unoriginal story of all time shot in the best 3d I’ve seen so far. Cuaron’s camera lovingly (and erotically) dances around Bullock’s body producing memorable and immersive images that make you want to float around space. Is this enough to make it a great movie? no. There is never a feeling of suspense, you know exactly what is going to happen at all time. The Avatar of 2013. Senor Cuaron por favor use your talent for good.


A monologue of a guy in a car calling people and sorting his life in one night. This movie is pretty good for how modest it is. But it’s really modest: a guy talking about cement in a car. Nice ok but is no miracle. And I’d rather do something else than hearing a guy in a car talk about cement.


Don’t worry if you didn’t see Wolf Creek 1, it won’t matter. This Australian horror outback slasher is an epic cocktail of brutal torture and kangaroos. It’s exciting and is as scary as hilarious turning out to be one of my favorite movies of the festival. First of all because i fucking hate backpackers and i enjoy watching them die but mostly thanks to John Jarratt being a magnetic beautiful psycho motherfucker and to the brilliant writing and directing of Greg Mclean. Put some shrimps on the barbie, get a box of goon, then turn on wolf creek 2 and get ready for some real fun. You will be singing “tie me kangaroo down sport” for a long time afterwards. Mate.


This movie it was made just to say it was made. Hey, we made a movie founded on kickstarter. Hey, for our main actress we chose crazy ass and unreliable drug addict Lindsay Lohan (actually pretty good here). Hey, for main actor we chose a porn actor James Deen (actually pretty bad here). Hey look how cool we are, we don’t give a fuck about Hollywood. We put boobs and sex so its even more artistic and edgy.
Well that’s about it, the actual movie is sloppy and really uninteresting. The boobs were great though.


This movie about the great master Fellini is told by a friend of him, Scola, trying to make a homage to his friend. The result however is a low level attempt at recreating the baroque atmospheres of Fellini resulting in a lousy imitation. To top that, most of the movie is spent telling jokes that maybe were funny 50 years ago but made me want to throw up. I cringe when I imagine Scola reading the script and congratulating himself for how funny these jokes still are. Even the movie clips are badly edited. I wish someone makes a decent documentary about Fellini. I also wish getting a job was as easy as it was at their times, these guys literally just walked into a newspaper and the director receive them then hire them on the spot.


This one right here is another one of the good movies I would save from the gondola wreck. A group of amateur film-makers meets a yakuza boss who wants to produce a movie and end up working with them. This hilarious, energetic and fresh movie is a love letter to home made cinema and a great comedy served in over the top japanese sauce and with the convoluted plot sion can deliver. I won’t spoil too much the plot but next to Wolf Creek 2, the most fun I had this year. I am a Sionist sometimes.


I thought it was watching a Vice documentary for a while then I realized is actually directed by Ti West and is a horror flick. The fact I was fooled for a bit then I was like oh god, make it stop means it’s a pretty good horror movie. I had to look away so beware if you are a girl don’t watch this movie. The most horrible thing however was not the abuse and brutal murder of innocents but the italian subtitles: way to go guys. Google translator would have made a better job (stuff like addetto alla droga for drug addict, donna pregnante for pregnant girl etc etc).


Another movie made by James Franco and adapted from a book written by James Franco and directed by another Coppola. This movie made me sad because is about beautiful white privileged teenagers living adolescence. The reckless, the wild youth. The parties, the sex, the feelings, the cars. All things that I never had because I’m not a fucking Coppola living in California. My adolescence was mainly studying or playing video games alone or watching video cd quality asian movies in a dark room. That and dreaming of being like the teens of this movie.
Or maybe I’m just sad because some Coppola is able to capture all those feelings and put them in a movie and it doesn’t matter if you never were the cool guy having sex or drugs or parties, these are just details, you still miss the energy and insecurity of adolescence.


Last movie, gimme a break. Ashton kutcher’s catatonic secret brother likes to fuck old men. Shot like a porn movie (not for explicit material but for the cheesy camera movements) it fortunately has a few refreshingly witty lines and a nice sountrack. Watchable novelty movie with potential at lgbt festivals.

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