venice 70 – fastgoose reviews the 2013 festival movies – Part 1


writing a blog is like taking a dump: it smells bad and if you stop doing it for a long time is hard. But it seems like you have to do it. So here’s my attempt to another blog post after almost one year spent studying gorillas in the wild.

It is going to be slightly about movies.

So I’ve been to Venice this year with the only objective of not getting sick. I got sick.

I got mononucleosis. Which i guess it’s a pretty cool virus, despite the side effect of making you a weak vegetable for two months. It’s kinda cool cause now people will think that I kissed someone and I’m such a pimp. Which totally happened. In my mind. And I definitely didn’t get this virus from some kid using my cup on the beach.

So, as I mentioned, 3 months ago as soon as I returned from the ISS I went to venice and watched a bunch of movies to get an overview of the state of cinema.

Where is highbrow cinema going at the moment then?

If last year the thin red line of the competition was showing tons of sex (please don’t even think about the fact it was the 69th edition) this year I noticed a different trend: abuse. Most films are about people abusing/getting abused in various ways:  psychological abuse, rape, murders, amputations, all sorts of abuse to satisfy the educated viewer’s morbid desires. Is this the new trend in artistic cinema? Is Cannes streets behind giving his highest prize to a nonsense 3-hour explicit lesbo porn? Why do I always get sick at movie festivals?

We let the reader draw his conclusions. Meanwhile I already divulged my opinions through a series of 140 character statements so I’m not going to add too much “film critic” to that overly exhaustive body of maybe 4-5 half assed twits. So here is what i remember about a bunch of movies I’ve seen a really long time ago in alphabetical order.


A film with poor people whose life revolves around shared terraces. We get it, they are desperate but if I recall correctly there’s a bunch of stories and they all end up in horrible death. That’s way too much horrible death. I don’t really remember much, just that I wanted to punch some annoying radical chic kids playing ukulele on a roof. And that every story ends up in tragic death.


Definitely the worse movie I’ve seen this year. Terrible story of a hard working man keeping his smile and enthusiasm for dirty work while young people are chasing bullshit lazy artistic jobs full of excuses and fake problems like depression (as he says “when I feel sad I just smile instead, so easy” or something like that). To further prove the point that young people are pathetic and useless they hired this Livia Rossi, who was absolutely awful and should really consider working in a mine instead of acting so nobody could ever see her. It’s also an obnoxious location showcase of Milano, in a boring presentation of various jobs the guy does. Fuck this moralistic shit and everyone who did this.


This thing about an old man abusing his family and being the pimp of his sex slave daughters won some prize but really is nothing impressive. The thing that bugged me the most was “the shocking scene” where he was having the girl raped by three men without condoms ejaculating inside her one after the other. like how gross is that? who would pay top dollars to put his dick inside a cum dripping hole? Then he complains he gets only a 50 because she doesn’t smile. Dude when your assets get STDs what will you do? How stupid is that?
Anyways, the movie is just a cold and bullshitty operation with neat photography and serious faces to pretend the movie is so real and so shocking and omg greece the crysis. But in truth it’s just too full of himself. People impressed by this (the jury who gave this movie a prize) are like the rich couple of breaking bad when Walt goes there with the laser pointer: they have no idea about what they are seeing and they got scared by a couple of tricks while the real movies end up without the prize. whatever man. we don’t care.


From a real story: a spoiled bitch decided to cross the desert with camels for no reason. Something like into the wild with camels, this movie really doesn’t have anything to say. Endless shots of landscapes and sunrises and camels in australia. We never even see the bitch appear in serious danger or trouble once. Then she reaches the sea and swims with her camels and everyone is happy. Meh. Too bad for Adam from girls, he’s cool. It was also very important for the movie to show her hairy armpits at all times.


This movie is about two women trying to pass through a street with their cars stuck fronting each other. like for the whole movie. The women just stay there in a street that looks large enough for two cars but just wait days for the other one to back off. I guess is some sort of metaphor with a deeper meaning i didn’t get. The message is that women are terrible drivers even if they are lesbians. I guess.


This is the first interesting movie of the list. A guy (Dolan) goes to the funeral of his lover, getting involved with his creepy abusive brother.  The movie looks great in its gritty and pale cinematography and Dolan is able to bring the viewer with him on his dangerous and twisted path. On a side note I can’t stop thinking of this whenever i see the name dolan.


James Franco is hard to take seriously, he does hundreds of things, acting, writing, directing and all with that eye-squinting shitface. This movie starts really bad. I cant stand the obnoxious hand held camera showing a crazy person pooping and running around like a retard for over an hour in order to create “realism”. After a while however, the movie has a few interesting and even surprisingly romantic moments. On a side note it made me realize how much worse my social life is compared to that guy’s. I wish I talked to that many girls.


Cheered by an audience ovation this movie is smart operation to get money from middle aged women in search of good feelings. Hi mom. Philomena is just a reassuring movie that dares nothing and exploits a little bit of everything: tears, laughter, drama, social criticism, religion etc. Definitely not my cup of tea, the kind of textbook movie who wins oscars exactly like that mediocre argo crap we had last year. Moreover, the movie makes fun of this old lady looking for her son but what at times is witty (the first time she tells the book) gets too heavy and annoying in many other cases (watching big mama for example) exactly like the argo fuck yourself joke in that other movie.

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2 Responses to venice 70 – fastgoose reviews the 2013 festival movies – Part 1

  1. Pingback: venice 70 – fastgoose reviews the 2013 festival movies – part 2 | Fastgoose

  2. Pingback: venice 70 – fastgoose reviews the 2013 festival movies – part 3 (the end) | Fastgoose

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